Why I miss the NICU

When you're in the thick of your NICU journey, every minute of every day is spent hoping, wishing, praying for the day you get to take your baby home. That's why this may come as a shock to some of you... I miss the NICU.

Now dont get me wrong... Im SO grateful that Nash is healthy and we are home.

But the NICU is this beautiful, incredible place that unless you have experienced it, you may not understand. You're probably thinking Im crazy to describe a place filled with tiny, some sick, little babies as a beautiful and incredible place but I promise you...it really is.

Every single one of our 80 days there started with morning rounds. I would stand in the door way of Nash's room and a half circle of the most incredible people in the world... Doctors, RTs, PTs, Nurses, Charge Nurses, Pharmacists and Dietitians would gather around and discuss my son. And every single time this happened I cried. I cried because this group of AMAZING individuals genuinely cared about MY son. They were invested... not just because it was their job... but because it was their passion and while in their care my baby was also their baby. How incredible is that!?

These people became part of our family. They shared our highs and our lows. They walked this journey along side of us. And now that we are home... I miss them... a lot.

The NICU is also this incredibly quiet place and I miss that! lol! I miss the uninterrupted, endless amounts of quiet time that I had spent just cuddling Nash. I'm talking about hours and hours a day spent just the two of us, skin to skin. I will never be able to have that time again...and I desperately miss it.

I miss the mom's... The women who with just a passing glance in the hall knew exactly how you felt. Who, with just a nod, could acknowledge and encourage you. These were some of the most incredible women I have ever meet. I miss the time we spent together in the Ronald McDonald house drinking endless amounts of delicious coffee talking, crying and laughing.

There are days where I wish we could just walk past those big NICU security doors and into the pods. Im almost certain, that it would still feel like home.

 

 

My heart is forever changed because of the experience we had in the NICU and I miss it.

.Our Tiny Miracle - Part 1.

I've been wanting to write Nash's birth story out for a while now but kept putting it off. I think I was scared to "go back". Scared that re-living it on paper might hurt. As painful as it may be, it's really a story of incredible strength and courage. A story that has changed my life for the better in so many ways.

On the morning of Thursday, Dec. 29th I woke up with a tiny little bit of spotting. At first I wasn't overly concerned because I knew spotting could be quite common and I wasn't having any cramping. As the morning carried on, the spotting continued a little bit. Just before lunch, I decided to go into the hospital to get it checked out. Nyah was on Christmas break from school and Jay was working from home that day so he was able to stay with her. When I got to the hospital, they did all the standard checks including a urine test and fetal monitoring. There is a blood test they can do that will tell you if you are in the early stages of labor but they warned me it isn't always accurate but they did it anyways and cabbed it to Surrey Memorial for immediate processing. As we were waiting for those results the doctor came in to do an internal exam at the same time as a tech came to get me for an ultrasound. I feel this is an important part of our story because the doctor told me to go have the ultrasound and he would do his exam after. I never got that internal exam. I'll always wonder if things would have been different if I had. When I returned from the ultrasound all the results of the tests were in. The blood work did not show any signs of preterm labor and the ultrasound and baby looked good. The only thing that was slightly off was I had some white blood cells in my urine which could have been an indication of my body trying to fight something like a bladder infection. The doctor was confident that everything was fine and that the spotting could have been a result of a broken blood vessel which was no big deal so they sent me home. The spotting had stopped by the time I got home so I didn't worry about it again that day.

I never would have thought my last bump photo would have been from that day.

The next morning I got up and again had some very light spotting. Based on what the doctor had said the day before I told myself it must have been that burst blood vessel and that maybe the way I slept was putting pressure on it causing the spotting. We went about our day like any other. We meet Brandy, Paul and Brody at Chuck-e-Cheese and the kids had a great day. I felt slightly uncomfortable but I had been uncomfortable for most of the time during this pregnancy. I just thought it was because I was huge and carrying so low. That evening I started to google signs of preterm labor. I also had Jay call his mom to confirm how early he was. Apparently he was 6 weeks early but weighed over 5 lbs!! Looking back, I think it was very strange that I was googling signs and asking for info on Jay's early arrival when I never once believe I was in preterm labor. Was my subconscious trying to tell me something?

That night as I tried to sleep I started to experience pain. At first it woke me up out of my sleep every once in a while. As the night went on, the pain started to get worse and happen more frequently. At this point I thought that it was that oncoming bladder infection they had mentioned on Thursday. I was cursing myself for not picking up cranberry juice and nipping it in the butt before it had time to materialize. At around 3:00 am I woke Jay up and told him I was going to the hospital to get antibiotics for said bladder infection because I was in so much pain. I assured him I was fine and that I would be home before him and Nyah got up for the day. Looking back now,  I was in labor. All the signs were there. At one point, I can remember having to stop walking and grab the railing and wait out the pain before continuing down the stairs. Hello contraction! But when your only 27 weeks its too scary to think you could be in labor so I never once let myself go there.

By the time I got to the hospital at around 3:20 am  I was in so much pain! I had to check in through emerg first and then I had to walk up to the maternity ward. When I got there they hooked me up to the monitor and they assured me the baby was fine. The doctor was on call so they said she would be there shortly. As I laid on the bed I was SO uncomfortable. I was trying to breath through the pain but it was so bad! I can remember at one point asking the nurse if I could stand up because it was hurting in my back so bad but she said  I couldn't because of the monitor. By the time the doctor got there I was a mess but still believed it was a bladder infection.

The doctor came in and said she was going to do an internal exam. She asked me to put my feet up in the stirrups and before she even touched me I heard her say to the nurse "Did you see that", At that point, I was terrified. I know now, it was his head she saw. She told me I could take my legs down and she came over to the side of my bed, held my hand and looked me straight in the eyes and said "Honey, you are 10 cm, you are having this baby today." What happened next is all a blur. I can only remember a few defining moments. I remember crying and telling her "No, I dont think you understand... I'm not having my baby today, I'm only 27 weeks".  I said things like "I don't know how to push out a baby, I c-sectioned my daughter so I'm not doing this" to which she responded "it's too late sweetheart, you have to push this baby out"... I remember begging and pleading to her... and to god... to make it all stop.... to keep my baby inside. Never in my life have I ever been so scared. I was terrified that our son was going to die. And then it hit me that this was going to happen and that I was all alone. I tried texting Jay. All my text said was "I'm in labor, please come"... and right underneath that green text bubble was a red one that said undelivered. I had no service.

Class Photo

These are just too cute not to share.... well maybe not Nyah's blank stare expression in the class photo but definitely the collage of the kiddos... lol!

 I'm so glad that this year when asked what she wanted to be when she grew up she said Astronaut... looks like she has moved on from last year's answer... Chicken!! Thank goodness!

Preschool Graduation

Someone please help this momma's heart... this past week has been emotional!

Nyah graduated preschool!

Jay and I are both so incredibly proud of our girl. Our journey at Sunshine Hills Preschool has been nothing short of amazing and we are so sad to be ending this chapter. We've made some incredible friendships and we will miss seeing all our friends every week.

They did a little ceremony on the last day and all the kids proudly walked in wearing their graduation caps. They sang some songs and then Teacher Cathy presented each one of them with a graduation certificate and their scrapbooks. I could barely hold it together. My heart was literally swelling with so much love and pride for my girl that I thought it was going to burst.

It's hard to believe that this little girl is off to Kindergarten in September. I wish I could keep her home with me forever. It's so sad that soon she will spend more time at school than with us (awake). Being a stay at home mom with her has been my greatest joy. I hope it takes a really REALLY long time for September to come around! 

Cake pop

Today, we ran errands. Not Nyah's favorite kind of day but I did try and break the day up in 2 parts and squeeze in some crafts in the middle. 

On our 2nd to last stop we ran into our bbf's at Chapters and both girl's fell in love with way overpriced jellycat bunnies! Thankfully we managed to move them along without any bunnies... Although Im pretty sure Em took me up on my suggestion and went straight home to write a letter to the Easter bunny asking for the bunny stuffie! Sorry T! 

On our way out Nyah decided she wanted a cake pop from the adjoining starbucks. We had just gone grocery shopping so I told her we'd grab something at home. You would have thought from the crying that insued that I had told her I was never going to feed her ever again!!! And when she said "Momma, your breaking my heart" I almost died and bought cake pops for us both! 

Belly kisses

After dinner tonight, Nyah came up to me in the kitchen and wanted to kiss my belly! She was insistent, trying to pull my shirt up. I really didnt want to lift my shirt so she could see my jiggly belly hang out but I did... because I don't want to put my body issues on her. 

After she gave my belly a kiss... She looked me straight in the eyes and said "there is a baby in there!!" I told her no there isn't and she gave me a sassy look and said "yes there is!"

Still trying to figure out how to explain to her that mommy ate 3/4 of a small pizza for dinner and that it was just a "food baby"! Lol!

Try! Try!

Today, we talked about when you were a baby. You love to hear about how you grew in my tummy and how small you were when you were born. We talked about how you loved to cuddle momma, have "milkies" and sleep in my arms. You poked my boobs and said "you had milk in there?... They are so squishy!" Thanks a lot kid! Your the reason they are so squishy! I replied and told you yes and that one day when you have a baby you will have milk in there too... You then stood up on the bed, lifted your shirt and said "here momma, try! try!" while poking me in the cheek! Haha!